a question i’ve been asking others for the past month without searching for the answer within myself.

“oh who is u?” i trolled inquisitively.

whether i had spotted fine shyt in my college town or someone chose to cross me on a beautiful, God-given tuesday morning, this single question encapsulated a message i set out to convey so strongly.

of course i can’t dive too deep into this philosophical unraveling without crediting the great danielle bregoli, a creative genius whose viral moment on dr. phil has sparked this sort of kundelini awakening inside of me.

in true ipad kid fashion, i was falling endlessly deep into this rabbit hole of what i like to call “productive youtube videos.” videos i watch with the intent of taking little nuggets of knowledge from them and using them enhance my daily life.

i watched a video by a youtuber named trianna, who i admire specifically for her grungy, romantic, early 2000s vibe on her vlog channel, trainnatv. it was titled, “just a modern day girl blogging like it’s 2014 tumblr” which inspired me to finally start this personal blog that i’d been keeping in my back pocket for so long. i had always labeled myself a procrastinator, but i’m rebuking limiting beliefs and we are breaking every chain. this being the first.

as i studied each character i met during this media banquet i threw for myself, i realized that all of them were extremely…them. this goes far beyond sticking to aesthetics. these people outwardly embodied their own interpretations of their spirits.

i’m talking platinum blonde hair with the white kitten to match and egg shell colored walls in a minimalist condo. or the artist with immaculate style and bomb music taste with greenery flooding their nyc apartment. or the anime lover with the sweet voice who cooks and bakes in pretty milkmaid dresses.

i find it wildly beautiful that humans naturally surround themselves with the things they love. of course appearances aren’t meant to define or confine anyone, but when someone has taken the time to reflect and customize their temple, you can’t help but almost think of it as an unveiling of their soul.

and it’s so easy to form our own opinions about another hermit crab’s shell, but who are we to judge if that’s the one that genuinely fits. why is society so critical about pure self expression? something straight from the heart that the overthinking of the brain hasn’t tainted yet. we should hold galas for this stuff.

i fear we’ve lost the plot.

trust, i’m looking for the plot too. because this realization led to another that had me questioning if i even knew who i was. i’m just glad i clocked my own tea before the mad hatter did.

i often feel like a contradiction to myself. for context, i am a libra, infj, and i seriously don’t look anything like what i’m going through (i’m lowkey aphrodite’s apprentice). all of this shapeshifting and being on both ends of dang near every spectrum has given me undeniable flexibility, but it has also grown someone who is frequently unsure of herself.

i’ve had dozens upon dozens of identity crises of every sort imaginable. do i really like the overly polished look or does this stem from being taught to conform? why do i feel like a little girl playing dress up in alternative clothing when i gag at the thought of conventionality? questions that need answers.

i spend so much of my time masking that my therapist told me i may not even have social anxiety and that it’s likely a case of me protecting my ego. i still remember the ache of that invisible boulder lodged in my throat as i asked her if that was okay.

something about me hiding me feels so sick and twisted. i would love to believe that i haven’t been deceiving people, but i have. and it’s all to protect the heart that i already wear on my sleeve.

now i wonder if that’s why i grew up so shy. anxiety has always felt like a birthright handed down from my mother. something so heavy, but it was mine to drag. now it just feels like ecdysis, something i could shed. a mask i could lower.

although my therapist pleasantly assured me that it was okay for me to lug this shield, i feel like life would be a lot lighter if i let it go. change is a risk in and of itself, but if it brings me closer to me, i’ll take it.

i could be this and that and everything in between, and it could be beautiful if i’m brave enough to just be.

so now i am making an oath to myself to dig deep and treat myself like the discovery of the century. i will walk long roads and trace the core essence of my being until i can confidently answer that burning question.

as i wind down and my momentum slows, i encourage you to look within yourself. are you operating at your highest level of authenticity? are you living, breathing, feeling you?

most importantly…

oh who is u?