every man i’ve ever liked was served hot with a humiliation ritual on the side. i think i need a wikihow tutorial on how to experience intense connection without losing the light in my eyes every time s*** hits the fan.

unfortunately i love a good chase, me being the predator and him the prey of course. and i’m fully aware that i’m not sitting pretty in my feminine energy, but am i supposed to stand idly by and let the epitome of my type go unbothered? i am most definitely changing the trajectory of that man’s life whether we end up together or not.

God sends me the same test with rearranged questions just to watch me fail it again and again. i know He’s shaking His head in disapproval. but the truth is, i’m more than willing to obliterate my own heart and heal it until i get it right. however, i’m worried the most recent one might take me out for good.

this is the second time i find myself growing impatient and wanting to bite the bullet. the first time, i had spent three years swimming in limerence over a boy, and i can’t even swim so imagine that. at some point, i started feeling so ridiculous for keeping this crush to myself that i drafted up a love letter. a confession just to get swiss cheesed in the end.

but dear audience, this was the goal. pain was the cost of freedom and i practically slammed my neck into the guillotine. wondering what could be is the most agonizing form of torture, so why wander the maze when you can find out at one stroke. if you’re lucky enough, it’ll be over before you realize you’re bleeding.

to put it simply, he only liked me as a friend.

and so the game restarts, this time with a boss level threat. someone i share a complicated yet incomplete story with, and i’m skimming lines just to see where this all goes. we’re star-crossed and uncertain. he’s probably the best and worst thing to ever happen to me, and i doubt he has any clue.

i think he’s someone i’ll always love.

although we haven’t said much to each other lately, he’s in every song i listen to, every video i watch, every dream i dream, and every breath i take. i am unhealthily consumed by his energy, and honestly, i just want some sleep.

i think things between us have always been unnecessarily dramatic for what’s come of it. sometimes i think i’ve romanticized our connection but then i get flashbacks of all that’s occurred and i must validate myself.

so what now?

do i rip an old page out of my book, strip naked (metaphorically), and offer myself up like some sacrificial lamb? or should i keep pretending like i’m not losing every one of my marbles? i’m honestly not sure how to move forward.

on the other hand, maybe this is the ideal time to be alone. i’m nudged towards a journey of self every time we grow distant. i couldn’t even move onto another if i wanted to. i’m choosing me in this season above all else including him.

this would be new for me, but maybe the answer is to be still. for now at least.