a mere second ago, i opened youtube to find a mix or playlist i could write to and just happened to scroll right into the arms of a video titled “it’s 3am. let your heart rest.” by a pianist named yuh baek. it’s beautiful and melodic and weary almost. i’m a bit tired, and it is in fact 3am as i’m typing this, but i’ll let the end of this video govern the moment i send my body to sleep.

music has been a big influence on my family before the pieces of my family even came together. my father’s good with rhythm and sticks, and if genres were men, my mom would have lots of solid options.

being the product of two melophiles, i grew up a squidward, taking a liking to the clarinet like my mother’s sister did. i was told that my lips were perfect for trumpet, but i knew deep down that i had always been called to a woodwind. however, i do have asthma, and unfortunately, that poor instrument hasn’t left its case since high school.

my ability to hit a couple impressive runs is fairly inconsistent but existent nonetheless. neither one of my parents have outstanding vocal chords, so i credit my father’s sisters for that random crumb of talent i never really share with anyone.

the one tune related trait i did inherit from one of my parents is the desire to participate in musical polygamy. normally, the script is that i’m into everything save for country, but i’ve been making exceptions lately. i barely recognize myself, but nashville will do that to you.

if an artist can make me wanna set the world ablaze or cry an infinite river, that song is meant for me no matter the box you wanna put it in. since adolescence, i’ve sworn by all things gut-wrenching, whether it be music, cinema, writing, or art.

and i can’t help but to wonder if this derives from using music as a coping mechanism. my earliest memory of “self medicating” was around the time my parents separated. i was in high school, constantly high on my newfound love of k-pop to numb the ache of my foundation falling apart.

it was an amazing diversion to my reality. i fell in deep, got addicted, and became a collector of sorts. to this day, i keep a decent amount of groups in my queue and over 50 physical albums to revisit when i need a pick me up. k-pop keeps you busy with frequent releases, captivating music videos, survival shows, and every other mood enhancer you could think of. i didn’t have time to be sad. i was too busy immersing myself into fandom.

whether or not this method allowed me to process all that happened is an entirely different fish that i don’t intend to fry right now. instead i’d like to narrow in on the healing properties of music, so let me cook.

as i grew older (and eventually got a therapist), i learned to make music my “b” word by using it as an outlet rather than a happy pill. actually, there’s some psychologically twisted part of my brain that likes when a song makes me feel worse about my situation. i value the process of release when stuffing it down gets overwhelming, so i preach expressing over suppressing as often as possible.

i wouldn’t be surprised if rock ends up being the most favored genre on my spotify wrapped this year. we’ve passed the midway mark, and i’ve already determined that this is not the year i planned. i’ll try again when the air turns cold and everything dies. it’s an indicator that new beginnings are around the corner.

what better way to manage the rage and agony boiling inside me than to fuel it with sick guitar chords and dramatic screaming. imagine yearning so intensely that you lie in bed crying to “is it really you?” by loathe on your break at work. that scenario sums up these past few months for me.

but can coping this way be more damaging than not?

i suppose it depends on how long you can dwell in negative emotions. i’m an advocate for feeling things out, but it’s easy to get stuck in a bad mental state if you’re adding to the issue without simultaneously letting the weight go.

if you’re intrigued by the thought of using music as a path to healing, i suggest measuring your tolerance and not overprescribing yourself with things that worsen your condition. maybe take the happy pill if necessary.